We only mark in days, weeks how long it’s been since writer Anthony Veansa So passed away. I identified him as a writer in that first sentence, but he was of course a son, a brother, a partner, an uncle, a friend, and so much more to the communities that mourn him. Anthony had committed to reading at “The Way Forward” right before his death. I asked his elder sister Samantha So Lamb and his partner Alex Torres to read and memorialize Anthony as part of the night. In this interview, Samantha shares what her grief has been like so far, what it was like to have Anthony as her brother, and what it was like to read his work in-depth for the first time. We welcome you to join us on Sunday, January 17th for “The Way Forward,” to hear Samantha and Alex. They will participate with writers Ibrahim Abdul-Matin, Desiree C. Bailey, Roberto Carlos Garcia, Max S. Gordon, Sara Lippmann, and Gloria Nixon-John. RSVP here. – SPL
Do you feel you’ve been able to grieve as necessary? Has anything surprised you about your grief?
Anthony was my only brother and we were very close. He also was the only son for my traditional Cambodian parents. When he passed, my parents were devastated and still are.
I had to step up in the first 3 weeks following his death. I planned the funeral – we did a mix of traditional Cambodian rituals tailored to a pandemic and modern American burial norms. In the moment, I was in disbelief that I was burying my younger brother, during the COVID-19 pandemic, while his book was starting to get recognition, and having to do it with Cambodian traditional funeral beliefs. I was not equipped to do any of that. It never crossed my mind that I would have to bury my brother. I haven’t been to any funerals during the COVID-19 pandemic. I didn’t know that his work was so well received (he never shared it with us). Most of all, the last time I attended a traditional Cambodian funeral was when my aunt died when I was 12. I had no idea what I was doing.
Everything worked out in the end and we wrapped up all of the funeral rituals days before Christmas. It wasn’t until after Christmas, when everyone went home and life turned to normal, was when the grief started. Grief does weird things like unlock trauma that has been buried deep down inside. I think that has been the most surprising, that the grief has opened up something deeper that I will need to seek additional help for.
Tell us about Anthony as your brother.
Anthony was the best brother, uncle, and son my family could ever ask for. He was always the most reliable, although he was sometimes questionable on his timing. When I would inevitably ask him to do a favor he would never complain, at least not about doing favors…and at least not directly to my face. On the day of my engagement party, he drove across Stockton to pick up my favorite dessert which I absolutely had to have (and it tasted all the more amazing because he did it just for me). On another occasion, I remember, after feverishly scouring Craigslist from Oakland to Richmond for a specific $22 Ikea chair, I was able to locate one in San Francisco for $7. I convinced my brother, on a Thursday evening, to drive to a random stranger’s apartment in the Mission, with cash, to pick up said chair, and bring it all the way back to my house in Pinole and he did it, without hesitation. That was sibling dedication.
Anthony was a devoted uncle to our son, Oliver. He loved to sing “Baby Shark” to Oliver extremely off-beat, on purpose, usually while glancing at me to make sure I was thoroughly annoyed. He always said that he would never have children himself. Instead, he would choose one of mine to be his favorite, send them to a fancy private school, and potentially fund their Olympic fencing career as a means of becoming a Stanford legacy admit.
Years from now, we will tell our children how free-spirited, fun and hard-working he was. Seriously, he was his own spirit, you should have seen him dance at my wedding. I’ve never seen anyone actually dance like Charlie Brown from Peanuts.
What do you love most about Anthony’s work?
When I read Anthony’s work, it is so personal and real. I can read parts of his story and know where he spun the story from, what memory he took from our childhood, what character traits he gathered from our family. On one hand, it is fiction. On the other hand, it is my family’s story told from his perspective. It takes me back to a place that gives me a warm feeling but it also pains me because he reveals feelings he has never told me or my family before. Reading some of his pieces over the past weeks has made me realize just how much he loved my family, how he was inspired by their stories, and how he had found his true calling in being a voice for Cambodian Americans, specifically from Stockton. For that, he makes me proud to be his sister.
What is something we should take with us on the way forward?
I know what I will be taking on my way forward through this traumatic time of my life. I will hug my partner every single night, I will tell my son I love him every single day. I will take risks in my career, use up my vacation time, and won’t be afraid to use a mental health day. As an educator, I will pay more attention to my LGBTQ students. I will practice more mindful strategies with them, as well as advocate for social-emotional awareness.